*Bitch mode ON. If you can't handle the heat, I suggest you close this window. I'm having one of them bitch mode days and just feel like venting things out by writing. The words are not directed to anyone in particular (see, I don't include names, I'm nice that way).
My sister recently shared with me this blog post about the things you should never ever say to a woman who is going through some form of infertility (miscarriages included). I read through the list and couldn't help but laugh at some of them, mainly because some of them have been thrown my way before.
Having gone through the difficult and sad times twice in the same year, I know all too well about what to say and what not to say. It has also taught me not to stay angry at people for too long, simply because they actually mean well, just that their words made them sound ignorant (which some of them are probably are, it's just that I'm letting it slide). You can read the full blog post here:
1. “Just relax and it will happen.”
I'm not really too bothered with this line, though it's curious to hear that most people just assume all you have to do is have intercourse and wa-la! Confirm sure can get baby one!
2. “You’re still so young, you have plenty of time.”
These days age is not as much of a big driving factor, although most people will tell you it's better to have a kid before a woman hits 35 because by then your "eggs" will get stale (for men, your sperms kinda "slow down" and quality is said to "decline"). Then again, you hear women having babies in their 40s, some even 50s (but that's really pushing your luck). Do you know in today's statistics, a high percentage of young couples are experiencing infertility issues more compared to in the last century? In fact, many couples I know experience a miscarriage during their 1st attempt.
3. “Are you going to have kids soon?”
If your "soon" means "tomorrow", then my answer is no. I don't exactly like to be caught off-guard when it come to baby plans.
4. “When are you going to give (name of first-born child here) a sibling?”
I don't hear this line, but I do have friends who are hounded by this line, and it stresses them out plenty unnecessarily. Really, first you bug people when they will get married. Then you bug them about having a kid. Then you bug them about having another kid. Then you bug them about having another kid on top of the kids they had popped out earlier. You're not exactly gonna stop bugging them right? Maybe you should just tell the parents right up front "Settle with 3 kids", to set the expectations right. That way, you don't have to constantly harass them, and they don't have to layan you with answers just to entertain you. Maybe I should carve my answer like this: When are you going to join (insert dead person's name) in the grounds?
5. “Well, my cousin’s neighbor’s daughter tried yoga and fish oil supplements and they were pregnant the next month!”
Why don't you try yoga and fish oil supplements, and lemme know the results?
6. “God must be punishing you.”
Oh, I heard this one from my own mother. A Buddhist who prays to the Goddess of Mercy, we were having a mother-daughter conversation about babies when she mentioned that the 2 miscarriages I went through could be my karma.
7. “You can have my kids. They’re driving me crazy.”
Yea right. Off load your crap to others and think it's ok. Seriously, I don't take such leftovers. And if kids are driving you crazy, maybe you shouldn't have them in the first place.
8. “At least you can still sleep in.”
Yes, I can definitely sleep in a hell lot! Don't be jealous k ;) I also don't have to worry about insurance, the rising cost of education, hospital bills, expensive kid-safe toys, BPA-free milk bottles, crying screaming hair tugging babies in the middle of a packed restaurant, you know the works. Honestly, if we decide to have a baby, we should be mentally and financially prepared for all that's gonna be coming with the baby, and I seriously don't need you to tell me what I already know.
9. “I hate being pregnant! I’m so fat.”
Some pregnant women do look good, but some just looks like a whale. So I guess it really depends on the pregnancy itself. And yes, when you're pregnant, YOU ARE FAT! Don't like to be pregnant, then don't get pregnant lor.
10. “Well, I know someone who dealt with it for seven years before they had any kids. So your situation isn’t a big deal yet.”
I also know someone who's mouth couldn't stop talking for the longest time.
Some other lines which reached my ears:
11. "Something must be wrong with you."
Excuse me, but last time I checked, you're not a doctor. And yes, something must be wrong with me to not punch you in the face.
12. "You're probably a high-risk person."
If you mean having to regularly exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, eat everything in moderation makes me a high risk person, then maybe I'm better off smoking, drinking and being a couch potato.
13. "You must be a bad mother."
And you must be an asswipe.
14. "Aren't you being selfish for not trying again?"
I choose not to get pregnant again because I'm turned off by the painful experience, so it's my choice. And besides, it gave me chance to concentrate on other things in life. Having a kid is only one part of life, it's not everything of life. There's more to life than just having kids you know. If having kids it's everything for you, then that's your choice. Not mine. So yes, I'm selfish for my own reasons which some of you will never understand, and I don't expect you to understand either. And besides, I can sleep in late longer.
15. "It's only a miscarriage, you'll get over it."
As much as I don't want to sound mean, but if something you consider precious to you (i.e: baby) leaves, you better be sure I'm not by your side saying this to you: "It's only a (insert precious item), you'll get over it."