Thursday, November 10, 2011

Not A Full Grip Yet...

On days when I'm feeling crappy like this, it only goes to show that I have yet to fully get a good grip of things. The grip is there, just not as firm as I had hoped for.

Life will always be unfair. Deal with it bitch.

Something that was once beautiful, is now a nightmare for me. I dread it really, even though I've told myself many times over that I will only consider it after a certain deadline next year. I've very clear of what my plans are in the coming months. It's just that on some days, I wake up and feel all woes. GAH!

I appreciate my life to the fullest mind you. It's just that on certain days, I tend to rant and woe a bit more than usual. After a good night's sleep, everything is back to normal for me.

But I guess sometimes... I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I tend to put unnecessary pressure and be hard on myself at times. Part of my strength and weakness at the same time.

I dread it, but a tiny part of me also yearn for it. It was an unjustified occurance for my part, and I know that no matter how much I question it, there won't be an answer for me. And yet, being a stupid human being, I still question it from time to time. I say it's unjustified because I know people in my circle, who have done more harm and put themselves in much higher risks.

I am no longer sure if that is what I want anymore. Right now I don't see much value in it, nor do I see the worth in it. I've been through enough pain to know what it feels like. I don't need to feel the same pain again. I don't want to.