I've been plagued by uncertainties lately. A lot of confusion and just the feeling of being unsure. For some, it's no big deal. Maybe I tend to think too far ahead of things, but that's who I am. To a certain extent, I'm a planner-cum-worrier.
Hubby and I had been planning to make a trip up to Mount KK early next year, but due to some technical mismanagement and sudden high cost, we're pulling out from the trip. Prior to the trip, hubby and I had thought of perhaps after scaling the mountain, maybe we can think of trying to conceive again. But off late, we're not entirely sure anymore if we even want to try to conceive again.
Here's the reason why we're no longer certain if we want an additional family member:
- I've been through 2 miscarriages, which puts me in a higher risk of going through another miscarriage.
- The 2nd miscarriage was due to a virus (CMV), and despite me having gone through the short drug treatment to boost my immunity against the virus, the doctor said there's still a risk of the virus coming back.
- I'm afraid of going through the same emotional and mental pain all over again. I haven't fully recovered from the last 2, and I don't think I will ever fully recover from it.
- Getting pregnant again just seemed so stressful to me now. I might just constantly worry if this one would end up the same as the other 2: miscarriage again.
- One of the main reason I've delayed the idea for so long was also because I didn't want to get hurt again.
- Hubby's also not sure if he wants to have a child in the family anymore.
- I've heard stories about pregnancies going wrong and abnormalities develop. I'm afraid it might just happen to us.
- A close family friend of mine had a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy. The baby is now >18 months old, but still cannot walk nor sit up on her own. I don't know what I will do if that were to occur to us, for it's already hard to raise a child, what more a child with special needs.
- If we do decide to conceive again, it's a do or die situation. Which means if our luck is damn 'suey' and this third one also doesn't make it, the baby idea goes totally out of the window, with no chance of revival. I'll rather adopt than to conceive again.
- I can't stand wailing screaming babies. Never have, never will. I'm a bad cop.
Yes I'm selfish, and I have every reason to be. I'm only protecting myself and my emotions from getting hurt. It's not being told that your pregnancy has failed. It's not fun being wheeled into the cold operating room. It's not fun to hear words from people who start questioning what's wrong. It's not fun to hear your own father calling you weak.
And besides, it's not compulsory to have kids after you're married. With the cost of living these days, everything is so expensive now, and will only get higher. Is it worth all that stress?