Saturday, March 10, 2012

Fear

I've been living with this fear since 2008. I've never made this fear public, simply because most with laugh it off, some would think it's being silly, and many would never fully understand the reason behind it.

It still brings tears to my eyes sometimes, and on most parts, I'm just being emotional about it. But the fear is real. Very real. And it is this fear that has made me choose to delay the decision.

If you've gotten to know me over the years, and have crossed paths with me, you might realize that when I make decisions, I'm pretty firm about them. Be it my social life, activities, work related matters, I'd like to know that somehow I'm control of the situation (or at least I try to be), keeping calm and collective and go forth with my decisions. I know what I want and I know what it takes to achieve them.

But for the last 4 years, this is one situation that has kept me in fear of it. Until today, I still don't have a clear direction or purpose about it. My answer is still "I don't know".

I'm bogged down by this fear over the last 4 years. This lingering feeling which won't go away. And it haunts me, bringing a lot of doubts and questions which disturbs me. Sometimes I just brush it off and concentrate on other more important things, but the fear will finds its way and creep back into my life again. I have no answers, I have no reassurance, and I find it very hard to see any beauty from it right now. Because all I can think of is that the odds are against me, and no matter how hard I try to find the answers, it will always elude me. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I exercise regularly and eat well. But the odds don't support me. Do you know how painful that is?

How something which happened 4 years ago, can cause such deep scars until today. You might laugh at me, you might call me silly/stupid, you might say I'm being foolish about things, you might even say I'm just thinking too much. But this fear is very real, and I honestly don't want to go through the same shit I went through 4 years ago. Because I know it if happens again, this time the wounds will never heal, and the consequences will be even more severe and bitter.

It's just one shot. There is no in-between. I'm sorry my decision has directly impacted you, but I have to be selfish to protect myself from the immense pain. I'm almost at my threshold.

I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. I'm not sure what to do anymore.


2 comments:

When they say time heals all wounds, they didn't say how long it's going to take. So go ahead, and take all the time you need to come to terms with your fear.

You cannot lead a healthy and happy life if you are not in peace with yourself.

*hugs*

Thanks babe, been trying to find peace :) One of those emo days I have...