Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Seeking For An Awakening

Lately my mood swings have been erratic. Before you start pointing fingers at me being a woman, and about women having erratic mood swings during that time of the month, I have to stop you right there.

It's not about the cycle, it's not about moodiness. It's about me. I seem to be stuck in a runt off late, hence the mood swings. I've been getting angry and annoyed at little things, which usually don't bug me as much. I've been sharing my feelings with some folks who are very very close to me, as I just needed a shoulder to lean on. I've been having small bouts of breakdowns from time to time, and I'm still trying to figure out why.

I took a step back, to analyze what has been bugging me lately. I also discovered I had lost a bit of weight over the last two months, and didn't even realize until I stepped on the scale (and also because my yoga instructor was quite concerned).

I discovered I have been putting a fair bit of pressure on myself, over a few things in life. And it started just after Chinese New Year. The pressure to deliver, the pressure to be better, the pressure to improve. It felt like I owe it, to make the deliverables. Without realizing it, it felt like failure wasn't an option, I couldn't afford any mistakes, I just had to make it.

It felt like the world was moving so much faster than I can keep up, and I'm pressured to push myself to keep the pace and move just as fast, to keep up. I must confess though, I'm getting tired.Tired of the chase. Tired of trying to keep up. Tired of just watching people expecting me to keep up. Tired of being the one who has to chase for others.

I want to think for myself now. I don't want to speak for others anymore. I want to take action and responsibility only for myself, heck with the rest of the world. I want to think for me, and me only. I want to know and understand myself better. I want to make myself happy longer. I want to look after myself better. I want to enjoy my life more. I want to hear myself better. I want to understand what I want out of my life, what I want in my life. I want to find the steps I need to make to achieve that life.

I want to get myself off auto-pilot. It's going to be me from now on.