Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Ja-neh

December 6th, marked my last day at one of Malaysia's boutique digital agency - Integricity. I clocked out for the last time at around 1pm, a decision I made after much consideration. It wasn't an easy decision, in fact, it was probably one of the hardest things to do. But it was something that had to be done, at least for this moment.

The second half of 2012 has proved to be my most mentally and emotional challenging period. The result was a very emotional and mentally spent girl, whose mind and emotions were put to a test yet again. And this time, she needed a lot longer to recover. And as a result, had to push away certain things in order to find some clarity within herself.

Too many emotions running high, too many things have occurred, I had no clarity, no clear path to see. I became so disturb, on the verge of a mental breakdown. Any further, I would be spiraling into deep depression, and the darkness would consume me whole. I became a reclusive, choosing to stay away from everyone and everything. I didn't know what else to do...

My heart went out to my hubby, who was probably at a lost of how to help me. I was probably drifting away as he kept a close eye on me, and probably at one point, he felt helpless. It became clear to me that I had to do something, I had to get help, before things got irreversible.

Help came in the most unusual of form. It was actually words from another person who was not from this country, who actually helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't know me, but I knew who he was, and I borrowed his strength, his words, to lift myself up. Very slowly, I started to pick myself up. The pain was still unbearable, but somehow, I had started to accept.

Anger, denial, depression, and finally, acceptance. Going through the first three was the most painful, as it brought out the worst in me. I hated myself, I wanted to blame someone, so I blamed myself. But after seeking help, talking to the right people, listening to the right things, I began to take the first step, to forgive myself, and others. I began to realize, that we may not be able to choose our consequences, but we can choose how we respond to them. Bad things happen, it's how we deal with it that matters more.

My head was in a constant spin and blur capacity. Most of the time I would lose focus for many hours. I needed time, I needed the space. I needed clarity. My action, or rather, inaction... Had caused some folks to be very very worried of my well being. And so, I decided, to make my exit, and take the rest of the month of, to recuperate my thoughts.

My bosses and colleagues were in shocked, and probably helpless to see an employee and friend, in this state of mind. I probably made them feel very disappointed and sad, to watch me like this, but I forbid them to be on this journey with me. This is my battle, something I have to go through on my own.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as selfish, for at this very critical time, the company is going through a corporate rebranding exercise, and the commitment from everyone at this point was truly vital. But I couldn't commit, not right now, not when my mind is at a state of constant interference.

Thank you for the seven years of memories. Thank you for being my friends, and for allowing me to be your friend. No matter what name change you guys go through, Integricity will always have a place in my heart. This is not goodbye, it is just ja-neh, for our paths will cross again in the near future. I am truly sorry for not being able to be on this journey with you guys right now, I really need to do this right now.

Ja-neh: Japanese for see you later

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