Monday, December 31, 2012

Looking Back At 2012

As we celebrate the last few days of 2012, and prepare to welcome 2013, most of us would be looking back and have a thousand and one things in our heads. Some of us would start to prepare new year resolutions, while others would be reflecting back on the past year and mulling over what has occurred. And like so many others out there, I too would be reflecting on the past year, and making plans for the new year.

The year 2012 has been one roller coaster ride for me. Never have I learnt so much about myself in all other years combined. The first half of the year especially, had marked something new for me as I was given the chance to embark on more responsibilities when it came to my work, which I enjoyed and learnt from a lot. The company I was employed in (ex-company now) was expanding, and we were making a mark in the industry by winning a couple of awards this year too, something which has been beyond our reach for some time, but now possible.

The second half the year brought upon me some very painful life lessons, one which I can never erase, but have come to accept that this is just part of life as we know it. My stress and anxiety levels were on the high, and there were days I had experience panic and anxiety attacks. I was very sad, angry, and depressed. I sunk into the blame game, and was blaming myself for what had occurred, which resulted in me not being able to see myself in better light. As a result, I isolated myself from those around me. I went through the stages of anger, denial, depression and acceptance, all within a few months.

My mental and emotional well being was truly tested at that time, and never had I felt so helpless and vulnerable. I felt lost, dejected, rejected, and simply felt not good enough. I had a huge cloud of doubt over my head everyday, doubting my actions, my decisions, even my existence. It reached a point I simply needed some time off, and decided that it was for the best.

Taking the month of December off, was truly a blessing in disguise for me. I managed to spend some good quality family time with my sister in Sabah, spend some time with my parents, and some much needed quality time for myself. I caught up on my reading, something which I had stopped for a long time, and have vowed to read more often (including genres like Fifty Shades, don't judge me). I spent some quiet time at home catching up on my TV series as well, and simply enjoying the simple things in life, which can put a smile to my face every day :)

I felt re-energized like never before. My mind has more clarity now, and I am able to really let things go, and not feel like I am letting a part of myself wilt away by letting go. Probably the crucial point was when I started to pick myself up, and I reached out to get help. I had reached out to a very very close girl friend of mine, seeking help, and she extended her loving and caring arms to me. She rescheduled her meetings, dropped whatever she was doing, just to spend a couple of hours to talk to me. And for that, I am truly grateful for her immense love for me. Thank you Eleen Wong, for being such a wonderful friend and big sister to me. Our friendship is truly a blessing God has given me, and I will treasure it always.

I have realized that I have been in some form of depression (not clinical depression) for a few years, I just didn't realize it until now . I must have made my hubby so worried as well, for he must have felt so helpless to see me like this. Thank you my love, for being my pillar of strength and support all the years. For without you, I would probably be a lost puppy that I was before I met you.

Today, I am able to stand tall, and say to myself, that I am worth all that is good in this world. Even though we may not always get what we want, what we have is more important that what we want, and for that we should always be grateful, for we are blessed with abundance already.

Here's to welcoming 2013, and looking forward to starting the new year afresh. God bless everyone :)

2 comments:

Happy New Year GA! Reading this post really makes me sad actually. Sad because you're feeling down, shocked that you actually left ICSB after so long.

What ever it is you're going through sounded really bad. Whatever it is that you're facing or going through, don't worry, I'm sure it will be ok and better over time. It always does. Just need a little more time an be positive about it.

If you need someone to talk to. You know you can always count on me to lend you an ear.

Until then, stay strong and be positive!

Mortal :)

@Mortal TQ for the kind words. Things were pretty rough for me over the last several months, which in-evidently resulted in my decision to leave and take a break from everything. When things are down, the only way is back up, kan?

I'm blessed to have met friends who have been very kind to me, offering to lend an ear. Right now is not the time I want to share, but rest assured I will be ok. You take care too k, and your wifey whom I found out from Mike, that she's expecting. It's gonna be a brand new journey for the both of you too, and I pray it's a happy and smooth one for the both of you :) God bless dear Mortal.