Sunday, April 28, 2013

A Wreck

Some days my mood is up and down. One hour I'm all normal, the next hour I feel like I'm in the dumpster struggling. These days I don't fight that feeling anymore, I just let them roll until they pass. It's hard though, cos that would mean I would have to put on a face in front of everyone else, while I'm writhing inside trying to fend off the attacks which is making me want to cry.

It's been many months now, yet I still feel very hurt deep down inside. Some days I feel so lonely, because I have no one to talk to. All I can do is try to find that ounce of strength within me to push forward, how ever little that strength may be, it's still a fuel for me to carry on. It's the only thing I can do on days when I feel down, to stay strong and march forward. A big part of me wants to quit everything, but it's this small part of me that's telling me to challenge things, the same small part of me that's keeping me afloat.

Sometimes I try to talk to hubby, but often times I end up staying silent, and just wrap my arms around him. He would usually console me by saying the very same words ("don't think so much"), but to be honest, these days, those words have little effect on me already. I guess men just deal with things on a different level.

I've been needing reassurance from him, that I'm doing alright, and that I'm doing OK. On days like this, I have doubts about everything I'm doing, to the point, I no longer know what to do anymore. I question everything. I'm afraid to have expectations already.

Why should I do this, do that, drink this, drink that? What's the point anymore? What's the point of even trying, when I'm just going to fail again like I did before? Why do I even try? Why do I even bother? What's the worth in doing all those things anymore?

This experience has left me so broken, I feel like I can't be mended anymore. It feels like my scars are visible to everyone who sees me. And I will have to carry this feeling for the rest of my life. I'm such a wreck.