Thursday, August 1, 2013

Of Pain and God

Image from Google
A few days ago, I came to know of a very sad news, one that pretty much left me feeling like crap all over and all I wanted was the day to end and I would go home and have some time to myself. A colleague of mine had lost her first baby at about 7 months gestation, and that really left me feeling very broken. A few months back, another colleague also had the painful experience.

I felt for her. I felt for the both of them. I really did. The news brought back a lot of pain. And for the rest of the day, I was feeling very sad and moody, and I chose to withdraw from people. Just needed that space alone to myself for a while.

I started questioning why did the ladies have to go through such an excruciating experience. Why? They were lovely people, friendly and caring souls. Why were their babies taken from them so suddenly? Where is the reason? What was the reason? Why them?

Of course most people would say "things happen for a reason". Try telling that to a woman who had just lost their baby, because they will want to know "the reason".

I was upset, and at the same time, I was also angry. Angry that we will never know the real reason. Angry that such a thing happened upon us. Angry that we will forever have to live without knowing why. Just. Angry.

People say that God will always listen to our prayers. So why is it some of us have be chosen to go through such an experience? Is this because we are being punished? Is it because we are being thrown a challenge? Or is it simply a miscalculation somewhere in God's books?

Do I believe in God? There are days, I honestly don't. Most days, I believe in a power greater than us, and us mere mortals gave it name so that we can feel closer to it, to relate to this greater powers better. Do I pray? Sometimes. Most times, I just live to be sure I do the right things, treat people and animals well, and have a clear conscience each time I go to bed. This to me, are more tangible actions. Am I questioning the existing of God? Sometimes. I sometimes think God is a manifestation in which it give us a sense of hope and belonging. At the end of the day, it boils down to your choice.