Friday, April 18, 2014

Beyond Miscarriage

I came across this article and this article while doing some research about another topic. What piqued me was really the title of course, as having gone through this experience a few times already, I had thought that perhaps this article was going to touch on some stories about how some couples managed to pull through, giving encouragements etc.

What I got from the article after reading it, was pretty intense and eye opening.

You see, after my third miscarriage in 2012, I fell into depression. Now, this is something I have never openly mentioned in my blog before. I figured, it's been a while, and I've dealt with it already, maybe it's time to share a little about it.

We went through a third miscarriage back in 2012, and I became depressed. I lost concentration in my work, and I couldn't care for anything else. The word suicide started to cross my mind ever so fleetingly, and though I didn't attempt anything, that word was visiting my mind a lot. I knew I had to do something before I got sucked into a deeper state, before I actually tried to harm myself.

I quit my job which I had for 7 years, and took some time off. I went shopping along, tried some new restaurants, watch movie etc. Basically doing stuff to try to love myself again. I started a new job in 2013, which the intention of starting things from zero (new year, new job, new friends, new experiences), and that worked out really well for me. I started to pick the pieces of my life back together, and it really took me about 6 to 8 months to completely step out of depression.

Most importantly, I had put a huge burden down, and let go. I had not realized it, but I had been carrying the pain with me over the last 4 years, and kept blaming myself for something I had no control of. No one could explain to me why it was occurring, even though I had been doing everything right.

I decided to stop asking. And when I stopped asking, the pain just went away. I decided that I just had to let go, and move on. I was under traditional Chinese medicine for several months too, and the physician also told me to let go, as my emotions and my body's yin and yang were at war and running havoc in my body. And that if I didn't let go, my health was only going to get worse.

It's been over a year now. I've a brand new working life and I'm enjoying it (OK, I admit, still ups and downs here and there, but you get that everywhere). And after reading this article and this article, it's also giving me a lot of assurance that I should not be blaming myself, because no one is really in control about these sort of things. Even countries as advanced as USA can't solve such mysterious, at most the medical professionals will ask you to keep trying, don't give up yada yada yada.

But I think more importantly is, the support you can get when you're going through the loss. No one can completely understand you, because each loss is different. Sure, you have friends and family members who will try to encourage you, give you pep talks etc, but really, sometimes, some of you should shut the fuck about about your know-it-alls, because really, we don't give a fuck about what you have to say. We just want you to listen, stay quiet, and be our shoulders to cry on when we need them.